I've been Editor-In-Chief for the past 15 years here at BigSexyNews.Org. Over the years, I've covered political races big and small, from the failed mayoral election of 1997, to the bloody coup that saw the toppling of a one Mrs. Mohoney's reign in the competitive Firehouse BBQ Sauce Scene (Turns out "The Secret Ingredient was Murder" By Big Jim! ON SHELVES NOW!). In the view of this humble Editor-In-Chief, the role of the media is to provide accurate, useful information about how events of any size will affect your local community. In the eyes of this juggernaut journalist, this can not be done if the integrity of the independent press is compromised, which is why, as of the end of the month, I will be turning down my high-ranking position and divesting all held shares in The Sharing.

It was with a heavy heart that I submitted my resignation. But no matter how enjoyable the bonfires, grand conspiracies, or night volleyball tournaments can be, I now know it is a conflict of interest for me to continue attending these events. I know I have been accused of questionable journalistic practices in the past, from taking money from corporations to lying about who won the World Series in an attempt to win a small bet of $100. Granted none of you know how noose-like the purse strings of local journalism are, but I understand your moral outrage. Whatever mistakes I may have made in the past, I ask you to not let it cast a pall over the wonderful news organization that is BigSexyNews.Org. I continue to aspire to our two-hundred-year-old motto. The all caps: IT'S BIG, IT'S SEXY, IT'S THE NEWS.

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Leave that to me. Send a distress signal, and inform the Senate that all on board were killed. "Don't under­estimate the Force. I suggest you try it again, Luke." This time, let go your conscious self and act on instinct. In my experience, there is no such thing as luck. You're all clear, kid. Let's blow this thing and go home!

You don't believe in the Force, do you? Partially, but it also obeys your commands. The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands. As you wish.

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